The 12 Steps To Harmonious Living

hou shalt openly and freely admit that thou wishes to aspire to Bowserhood, and that ye hath a problem.
hou shalt not use creamer.
hou shalt not harbor halitosis.
hou shalt not worship at the altar of false deities, such as Ollie the Ostrich or Bill the Goat.
hou shalt not kill... without a damned good reason.

  • For further Enlightenment, see Corollary 5.1.
    • hou shalt not write and / or recite bad poetry under penalty of falling from the good graces of our gracious Lord Bowser.

  • For further Enlightenment, see Corollary 6.1.
    • hou shalt not drive an import which does not boast the Lord Bowser "Quality Above All Else" Seal of The Holy Master of Altoids, Imperator Primus of Fresh Breath.

  • For further Enlightenment, see Corollary 7.1.
    • hou shalt not administer a breath mint or any other breath-enhancement device (i.e.: Binaca, Carefree, gum, novelty, etc...) without consulting the Official and Correct Handbook of Halitilistics, chapter 4 - Proper Fresh-Breath Maintenance and Attainment, as penned by The Faithful Attendant Squeegee, Scribe to the Court of the Mighty and Most Munificent Lord Bowser, Master of Altoids, Imperator Primus of Fresh Breath, et. al.

  • For further Enlightenment, see Corollary 8.1.
    • hou shalt meet at a Holy Temple which is pre-approved in The Handbook of Halitilistics (i.e.: Denny's, Perkins, Village Inn, etc...) for not less than six (6) hours per week, and not less than two (2) hours in any given instance, and with the proper congregation of not less than five (5) Halitites for comfirmation and reflection upon the prophecies of our Lord.

  • For further Enlightenment, see Lemma 9.1.
    • hou shalt newter and / or spay thy household pet.

  • For further Enlightenment, see Corollary 10.1.
    • hou shalt not obtain - by means of barter or exchange of monies - any product which does not show (in plain view) the "Quality Above All Else" Seal of The Holy Master of Altoids, Imperator Primus of Fresh Breath: Bowser.

  • For further Enlightenment, see Corollary 11.1.
    • hou shalt repeat the above Holy and Correct Halitilistic Decrees as necessary to attain true enlightenment and harmonious Existence with our Lord Bowser, Master of Altoids, Imperator Primus of Fresh Breath.